A few words from child-psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto.
Renowned child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto tells us that when children live in a home where parents are in conflict or constantly arguing, they feel that their very self, their stability and their dynamism are threatened. Often these children show great anxiety and insecurity. They may also experience feelings of sadness and guilt as they believe that they may be the ones responsible for the conflict or separation of their parents.
They want to know if their parents will continue to fight or if they will put an end to it. Children are rational beings.
A divorce, despite its initial difficulty and disagreements, legitimizes the parents’ decision to go their separate ways and leads to a new status quo, thus freeing children from the atmosphere of conflict and unexpressed emotions.
For children, divorce is something mysterious because they often cannot fully understand the reasons behind it. They may feel confused, insecure and worried, but at the same time it is a solution for them as well. The situation for the child is cleared up provided everything is said clearly and formally.
But how does the child experience a divorce? According to F. Dolto there are three continuities in the child’s life:
The continuity of the body
The continuity of emotions
The continuity of the social
The continuity for the child is his body and his emotions. His body is built within a certain space and with the parents present. When the parents separate, if the space does not remain the same for the child, he does not recognize his own body. That is, its points of reference in relation to space and time are lost.
Conversely, if the couple divorce and the child is able to remain in the same space where the parents lived when they were together, a kind of mediation is created and the process of divorce becomes smoother for the child.
Otherwise, as the child’s body identifies with the house he lives in, when this house is destroyed by the absence of one of the parents or if the child has to leave it, he will experience a double disorganization: first in his body and then in his emotions.
Therefore, in a divorce there must be clarity, a smooth transition and certainly a great deal of attention to the child’s emotions. The main mistake parents make is to use the child as an extension of themselves to manage their own emotions. Which is very painful and destructive to the child’s psyche.
Psychoeducation and help from an expert is needed to protect the child and their emotions.
@Discover Growth Therapy/ family counseling
Georgia Kryparakou
Psychologist MSc-Psychotherapist
