In life we learn to love and to be loved, we learn what love is by how we are treated by the people who raise us and care for us, especially in the early years of our lives. Most of us wonder why we relate in certain ways.
Have you ever wondered how you perceive love and caring? To speak the language of relationships we need to understand what some key verbs mean to us. That is, to understand how we learned what these verbs mean from how we were taught by our adult caregivers (parents, teachers) through their behavior.
First, the verb “ask”. Many of us do not believe we have the right to ask for the good things we desire. It’s as if we have a treasure within us but are ashamed to ask for the map that will lead us to it.
Then comes the “take”, which is at the heart of pleasure. If we get something, it means we believe we deserve to enjoy. “Give”, in its positive dimension, is equivalent to giving gifts, attention, care, help. In its negative dimension, we may give to avoid a conflict.
And of course “share”. Sharing implies reciprocity. If we have grown up in deprivation we may interpret it as a threat. But if we have grown up with a sense of abundance, it comes naturally to us.
Then there is the “I refuse”. Many times we are afraid to say no; we may not even know we can’t refuse. But in doing so we deprive ourselves of a yes.
And finally, “play”. Play is related to creativity, to being present and safe. We live as we played as children!
Behind these words lie basic questions of human life. Did those who cared for us care about our needs? Were they teaching us to deprive or to accept? To dare or to fear? Did they teach us that we were worthy or that we were never good enough?
These concepts are formed as we grow up and as we gain experience. By understanding these concept, we eventually realize the reasons why we are who we are today. But realization also gives us the ability to change and shape these concepts as we wish today.
Yes we can!!!
@Discover Growth Therapy/ family counseling
Georgia Kryparakou
Psychologist MSc-Psychotherapist
